Australian comedians' travel stories

I never travel without a book. For me, the most pleasant part of the trip is the airport bookshop. I love picking up a big cube of a book and reading about something I know nothing about. Often I'll remember the book, but not the holiday.

One thing I've learned the hard way is that planning is really important. When we went to Paris, I was determined not to spend all day in the Louvre, so I researched it and compiled a map: take Lift B to floor two, turn left and look up and you'll see this painting or that sculpture. In one and a half hours we knocked off 15 incredible works of art. Of course, we didn't get to stumble across any masterworks by accident, although we did stumble across Charlie Pickering in the food court.

My most memorable food moment was in Ireland. My wife and I went to an Italian restaurant that was entirely staffed by Scots. We were convinced the meatballs tasted like haggis, but since we've never eaten haggis, it's hard to be sure.

The funniest people in the world are the Italians. I've learned enough Italian to have a one-way conversation in a taxi. I start off with great confidence, asking the driver how far it is to the airport or how long he has been driving taxis, but then I can't understand the answer. Sitting in restaurants in Rome, however, you can tell when someone is holding court. You can tell when someone's being funny, even if you don't understand the language – you can hear his timing.

Shaun Micallef's Stairway to Heaven will premiere on SBS One on Sunday December 14, at 7:30pm.

LAWRENCE MOONEY

I've just come back from the island of Ponza, off the coast between Rome and Naples.

My travel style used to be a naïve traveller. I spent six months travelling around South America when I was 24, and I didn't have sex or take cocaine once. If I met someone nice, I'd have drinks with them and then go to bed by myself. Now I'm a holiday chain smoker. I smoke like a Turk when I'm on holiday. If you smoke overseas, it's not harmful to your health.

My most memorable food moment was when I ate guinea pig in Peru. It's a local delicacy. They put it down in front of me and its buck teeth were sticking out of its little face, and its claws were sticking out of its little feet, but I felt I had to eat it. It tasted a little bit like chicken.

My favourite destination is Italy. Australians like to talk about how relaxed we are, but we are dominated by rules and regulations. You just have to get on an Italian freeway to realise that they are more relaxed.

I'd love to take a selfie of my wife and I in our apartment in Rome overlooking Piazza Navona with ridiculous tans after six weeks in Greece and we haven't put on a gram of weight.

My most memorable encounter was when second language fatigue set in. I was on a ferry in Italy and I wanted to buy some ice cream. I know how to ask for something in Italian, and I know the word for ice cream – it's gelato. But I just couldn't think of it. So I asked the guy, "How do you say…?" and started miming licking an ice cream. Only it was up for debate precisely what I was licking. My 14-year-old daughter was horrified.

One thing I've learned the hard way is don't over-complicate it. Going walking? Wear the same shoes you wear when you go walking at home. Unless you usually wear a lot of plaid and lemon yellow shirts, and you're going to Italy – in that case, maybe mix it up.

My favourite travel joke is when Spike Milligan was asked by Australian Customs if he had a criminal record he retorted, "I didn't think it was still a prerequisite."

Lawrence Mooney is appearing at the Comics Lounge in Melbourne from December 8 to 12.

REBECCA DE UNAMUNO

I'm off to Melbourne for a wedding.

I'd rather be going to Panama, where my dad is from. My dream is to spend Christmas with my aunt, just the two of us where she lives in Panama, in the middle of nowhere.

My travel style is efficient. I write lots of lists – things to do, to purchase, to pack – and cross them off. When I get to my destination, that's when I completely relax.

My favourite way to travel is asleep. But I'm terrible at sleeping on planes. When I'm flying to London, I know I have 20-odd hours in which to fall asleep, but I can't do it. I'm a bit of a talker in my sleep, and I think it's fear that keeps me awake: I'd hate to become an anecdote in the story of the person next to me. "There was this woman sitting next to me on the plane …"

My favourite destination is Chicago: it's a bustling city with a great improv scene, and the people are down to earth and lovely. I was there in summer, though. I think I'd hate it in winter.

I never travel with children.

One thing I've learned the hard way is that fog and airports can ruin your day.

My most memorable encounter was when I was sitting in an East Village bar one time and there was a guy in a suit and tie who looked really frazzled. I said to him, "Tough day?" and it turned out he'd just lost his job. Sitting there, learning about him, is a snapshot in time that I'd never have gotten if I'd been travelling with friends.

My favourite travel joke is anything that starts with, "I just flew in from…" and finishes with "…and boy, are my arms tired". Still cracks me up.

Rebecca de Unamuno will be performing her show, Open to Suggestion, at the 2015 Melbourne Comedy Festival.

MEL BUTTLE

I'm off to Sydney for work. I probably get there once a fortnight.

I'd rather be going to Darwin. I've been there before and loved it. It's the perfect place to sit in the pool drinking a cocktail, or wear thongs out to dinner. No one bats an eyelid.

My travel style is extreme comfort. My travel outfit is the closest I can get to pyjamas: a pair of leggings, a big T-shirt, a cardigan. To date, security has never stopped me from getting on a plane due to daggy clothing. I'm also a budget traveller. I won't buy anything on board. I bring a bottle of water, muesli bars – I'll even make my own sandwich.

My favourite way to travel is not business class but being in a car, particularly when you don't have to drive yourself. I like sitting there, looking out the window, feeling like Beyonce.

My favourite destination is Salzburg. I went there when I was 16, and you can drink there when you are 16. I had never left Australia before, so seeing all of these really old buildings, the Christmas markets, the sense of a really strong culture, the being out and drinking wine … it was really amazing.

I'd love to take a selfie underwater in the Maldives. That would top anything on my Instagram.

I never travel with my mum. I'll meet her there, but I won't go on the same flight as her. She asks too many questions. She's a great lady, but boy does she love a chat.

One thing I've learned the hard way is only ever take hand luggage. Never put your bag in the cargo hold, you'll never see it again. The last time I checked my bag was on a trip to Mount Isa. It never arrived. I had to survive three days. I felt like Bear Grylls, going to Coles to buy new underwear and toothpaste.

My most memorable encounter was when I went to the Northern Territory and went on a Jumping Crocodile Cruise. There's a rickety boat that looks like it is made out of someone's tin shed, and a river infested with crocodiles. They dangle meat over the side of the boat to make the crocodiles jump up. They say, "Please stay on your side of the boat, otherwise we'll capsize", and of course all the American tourists totally ignored that piece of advice and rushed to one side of the boat. I thought I was going to die.

Mel Buttle will be touring in 2015.

RONNY CHIENG

I'm currently in India for the first time. Specifically Mumbai, Bangalore, Kolkata and New Delhi, as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Roadshow in India. I'm really excited to be going to India for the first time. The place I would like to visit next is Alaska. It looks beautiful in photos and in The Simpsons Movie.

My travel style is pack light. L-I-G-H-T. I only pack enough for five days, even if I'm gone for weeks, because I would rather do the laundry on my travels than travel encumbered. I only travel with a backpack and carry-on luggage. I average about 12 kilograms in luggage, no matter how long I'm gone for, or where I'm headed.

My favourite destination would have to be New York. I've been lucky to visit it four times now and I still get excited visiting that city. The cops, the storekeepers: everyone's got a story.

I'd love to take a selfie with Barack Obama. At the White House. Big fan.

My most memorable encounter was in Mumbai where I saw a cow cross the street. It was obeying the traffic laws far better than anyone else on the road. It was clearly a city cow.

My most memorable food moment was eating poutine [French fries topped with gravy and cheese curds] in Montreal. It's an easy way to experience the city: they tell you, "Once you have eaten this, you will have experienced Montreal." There's no way you can eat a whole plate of it, even if you are 15 years old.

I never travel without a Ziploc bag. I can give you a million uses for a Ziploc bag. You can waterproof electronics and important documents; throw all your travel receipts in one for easy storage; keep wet toothbrushes; keep liquid toiletries so they don't explode in your luggage on the flight back. It's as handy as the emergency spare T-shirt I always pack.

Ronny Chieng's DVD, The Ron Way, is out now. His new show, You Don't Know What You're Talking About, will be at the 2015 Melbourne and Sydney Comedy Festivals.

FIVE OF THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST PLACES

BRUSSELS

This elegant city also has a zany side, as befits the home of the Smurfs and TinTin. Around any given corner, you might discover a colourful cartoonish mural, or a statue of a cat wearing pants.

TOKYO

Traffic lights that tweet, teenagers dressed as anime characters, cat cafes and Hello Kitty. Not to forget those full-service toilets. The weirdness of Tokyo never fails to delight.

IRELAND

A tourist walks into a pub … and four hours later is still listening as the locals take turn spinning wild yarns. Master storytellers, the Irish always nail the punchline.

KENYA

After half a dozen visits, I can count on one hand the number of Kenyans I have met who haven't been wearing a broad grin. Their good humour is infectious – and truly admirable, given the lives many of them lead.

NEW ZEALAND

Just because ordering fush and chups never gets old.

FIVE GREAT TRAVEL COMEDY MOMENTS

THE PLANE CRASH SCENE IN ALMOST FAMOUS

As their tiny plane is buffeted by a violent storm, the bandmates confess their secrets to each other – including the times they slept with each other's girlfriends.

THE TRAVEL AGENT ON LITTLE BRITAIN

When the computer says no, Carol goes searching for holiday alternatives. After telling an Irish Catholic priest that Lourdes is "all pilgrimed out", she suggests, "If you like religion, I can do you a fly-drive to Mecca."

THE BOARDING SCENE IN MEET THE PARENTS

Ben Stiller is convinced he can make his luggage fit in the overhead compartment. He refuses to relinquish it to the attendant, challenging her, "If you can pry it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it." Predictably, both Stiller and his bag are removed from the plane.

THE SIMPSONS GO TO BRAZIL

Where to start? They get pickpocketed by urchins, Homer gets kidnapped by a taxi driver, Marge gets hit on by a policeman: but apparently what upset the Brazilian government was the large number of monkeys in the episode.

FLYING HIGH

The pilot with a gladiator fetish, the granny sniffing cocaine to calm her nerves, the bearded Air Israel plane: it's hard to choose just one moment from this classic.

LAUGH LINES

Everything has its funny side, according to these great writers.

ON BEING ABROAD

Suddenly you are five years old again. You can't read anything, you have only the most rudimentary sense of how things work, you can't even reliably cross a street without endangering your life. Your whole existence becomes a series of interesting guesses.

Bill Bryson, Neither Here nor There

ON TOUR GUIDES

I do not want Michelangelo for breakfast – for luncheon – for dinner – for tea – for supper – for between meals … In Florence he painted everything, designed everything nearly, and what he did not design he used to sit on a favourite stone and look at, and they showed us the stone.

Mark Twain, The Innocents Abroad

ON EMBASSIES

Each American embassy comes with two permanent features – a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators spend half their time burning Old Glory and the other half waiting for green cards.

PJ O'Rourke, Holidays in Hell

ON CRUISES

You start on Monday with the idea implanted in your bosom that you are going to enjoy yourself. You wave an airy adieu to the boys on shore, light your biggest pipe and swagger about the deck as if you were Captain Cook, Sir Francis Drake, and Christopher Columbus all rolled into one. On Tuesday, you wish you hadn't come. On Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, you wish you were dead. On Saturday, you are able to swallow a little beef tea, and to sit up on deck, and answer with a wan, sweet smile when kind-hearted people ask you how you feel now. On Sunday, you begin to walk about again and take solid food. And on Monday morning, as, with your bag and umbrella in your hand, you stand by the gunwale, waiting to step ashore, you begin to thoroughly like it.

Jerome K Jerome, Three Men and a Boat

ON TRAFFIC

Mild-mannered Abe, however, is Tarzan of the traffic jungle. He knows the strict species pecking order: pedestrians are on the bottom and run out of the way of everything, bicycles make way to cycle-rickshaws, which give way to auto-rickshaws, which stop for cars, which are subservient to trucks. Buses stop for one thing and one thing only. Not customers – they jump on while the buses are still moving. The only thing that can stop a bus is the king of the road, the lord of the jungle and the top dog. The holy cow.

Sarah McDonald, Holy Cow: An Indian Adventure