The cruise ship buffet syndrome: The eight stages of buffet eating at sea

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This was published 8 years ago

The cruise ship buffet syndrome: The eight stages of buffet eating at sea

By Lee Tulloch
Knowing how to layer as much food onto the plate, that's a skill.

Knowing how to layer as much food onto the plate, that's a skill.Credit: iStock

I do believe there's such a thing as Cruise Ship Buffet Syndrome. I'm not sure if there's a medical term for it, but it's something I've observed on all the cruises I have taken.

I think those who have it recognise the eight symptoms:

Serious FOMO Heading for the buffet ten minutes early to get in front of the line, lest the people ahead manage to shovel the whole tonne of prawns on display onto their plate first.

Enhanced Juggling Skills Knowing how to layer as much food onto the plate as possible and yet managing to get it back to your seat, while being jostled by the crowd, without dropping the final, precarious slab of bread onto the floor.

Elastic Waistline Time Eating five times as much for lunch as you would normally eat at home and even eating food you don't particularly like because it's there.

Miximatchosis Piling on food with no thought for the tastebuds: tuna salads with chocolate cake, chicken curry with pork sausages, potato salad with hot, salty chips, tiramisu and baked beans melding together on the plate.

Repeat Offending Returning to the buffet more than once to get a 'little sliver' of something else or a second platter of desserts 'because desserts go in a different place.'

Glutton Guilt When you finally are seated with your swag, realising your plate is piled higher than the plates of your fellow diners and, unlike your companions, none of what you've chosen vaguely resembles anything healthy.

Going Cold Turkey Promising yourself you'll eat in the restaurant with waiter service from now on. And never doing it, of course.

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Philosophical Justification Calories consumed on a cruise ship stay on the cruise ship, right?

I'm not a massive overeater, but I find I'm a repeat offender - modestly filling my plate the first time, but then going back time and time again for little samples, until I've eaten three times more than I intended. It's like eating half a donut and thinking you can leave the other half on the plate. (This is not denial but donial.)

It would be much healthier, perhaps, if cruise itineraries weren't organised around meals, especially on sea days when passengers are captive onboard. These days fewer ships have set meal sessions and set table seating, but it's still human nature to rely on the many pleasures of the dining table as a way to punctuate the day.

Worse still, for those wishing to maintain a sylph-like figure, those meals add up to more than three a day, if you add in morning tea, afternoon tea, and canapés with cocktails.

Many cruise ships, such as Cunard's grand ocean liners and P&O's new Brittania, which serves celebrity 'Cake Boy' Eric Lanlard's champagne afternoon teas, pride themselves on lavish high teas.

Those who like to participate in everything (out of boredom sometimes) can find there's barely an hour between one meal and the next. That's a lot of shuffleboard games to work it all off.

To counter Cruise Ship Buffet Syndrome, many cruise lines do offer healthy, calorie-counted alternatives in the dining room. And even at the buffet, it's not obligatory to slather everything with oil or mayonnaise. There are salads, soup and sushi. But, according to my observation, the pilers far outweigh (literally perhaps) the pickers.

I'm sympathetic. It's tough being restrained with all that temptation. When you're on holiday it's counter-intuitive to deny yourself anything, even if it's a third round of dessert.

Conscious of waste, cruise lines are trying to entice passengers away from the buffet into speciality restaurants helmed by superstar chefs such as Nobu Matsuhisa (Crystal Symphony), Thomas Keller (Seabourn), Guy Fieri and Curtis Stone (Princess), Luke Mangan (Salt Grill for P&O), Geoffrey Zakarian (Norwegian) and Todd English (Cunard.)

These days they also offer cooking classes, chef's tables and open kitchens to enhance the culinary experience.

P&O have a taken an even more radical shift and replaced the traditional buffet with The Pantry, which it has introduced on the refurbished Pacific Jewel and will roll out on its two new ships, Pacific Aria and Pacific Eden from November. The concept is like a hipster cafe on sea, with communal tables and Scandinavian-designed interiors. The company believes it more reflects the way people eat these days.

So, maybe in the future it will be bye bye buffet? Will anyone miss them?

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