Holiday cliche experiences: 10 lame things every holiday should include

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This was published 7 years ago

Holiday cliche experiences: 10 lame things every holiday should include

By David Whitley
Updated
No holiday is complete without some kind of boat trip.

No holiday is complete without some kind of boat trip.Credit: iStock

Tourist boards may get breathless about the major new contemporary art museum, or gentrified hipster neighbourhood with a farm-to-table dining scene. But often it's the simpler things that appeal. So let's hear it for the clearly uncool but somewhat inevitable ingredients in the travel mix that, without which, a holiday doesn't quite feel complete. Such as…

A ridiculously inappropriate airport drink

It maybe 5.30am, and a schooner of VB may be the last thing in the world you feel like drinking, but that's what you're going to order from the airport bar anyway. As everyone knows, normal respectable drinking hours are temporarily suspended while on holiday, and it has not properly begun until that awful-tasting airport drink. It may take half an hour to get through, it may make you feel ropey for the whole flight, and it may significantly prolong the impact of jetlag, but rules are rules.

Credit: Start your holiday with an early morning drink at the airport pub. Because why not? iStock

Going on a boat trip

The crucial thing about the staple holiday boat trip is that it really doesn't matter what is seen on said boat trip, or where the boat is going to. It is merely enough to go on a boat for a couple of hours. This may involve dolphins, it may involve cooing at steep cliffs, it may involve ogling rich people's houses or it may simply be an excuse to plough through as much drink as possible between departure and return. But low insight levels don't matter – there are few more enjoyable experiences than chugging around on the water in the sun.

A game of mini golf

Mini golf is indisputably the greatest sport on earth – designed pitch-perfectly so that pretty much everyone can play it, and pretty much everyone can throw an unbecoming tantrum whilst playing it. It also happens to be the perfect time-filler. A couple of hours mis-hitting golf balls at windmills and clown heads can happily slot in between sightseeing and dinner.

The greatest sport on earth.

The greatest sport on earth.Credit: iStock

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Climbing up the tallest building in town

There's something Pavlovian about seeing the cathedral tower or supersized monument. In theory, trudging up to the top of it is about seeing the view – but it's not really. The sense of conquest plays a far bigger part in it – it's there, so it must be tackled. If it involves taking on thousands of steps, even better – the resulting sore thighs are something relatively harmless to moan about for the rest of the holiday. And, even better, the moaning can continue long after returning home when showing photos that invariably feature said tall edifice.

Seeing animals you can't see at home

The locals HATE the monkeys, but if there's a park where monkeys hang out, it'd be thoroughly negligent to not pay them a visit. Similarly, the zoo or wildlife reserve might be really low down the list of Lonely Planet recommendations, but they've got lions! And bears! And elephants! More importantly, just you try telling the kids they can't see the tigers because there's something iffy about keeping animals in enclosures and there's an archaeology museum that's far more educational.

At least one ice cream per day

On day one, the ice cream is a treat. By day six, it is universally accepted as a new addition to the daily roster of meals.

Buying something terrible at a market

The market may exist entirely for the benefit of tourists, but who cares? The fun part is mooching around, turning your nose up and laughing at some of the ridiculous tat on display, then buying a bit of it anyway. Strangely, that beautiful batik scarf and carved wooden donkey look a little out of place once home. But, through obstinacy, they stay for about a year until someone instigates a 'big clear-out'.

A lurid, neon cocktail

Sure, there are some excellent cocktail bars around. But it's more than likely you're going to end up in one of the less excellent ones (quite possibly the one at the resort). Here, you just run with the vibe. Forget detailed lists of botanical ingredients and quality liquor – what you want is the one with the risqué name, colours straight off a high-vis jacket and enough sugar to fell a bull elephant. Clue: It's probably the one with Midori or Malibu in it.

More pool time than originally planned

Lolling about on a sunbed might not feel like the most productive use of time in an exotic foreign land you've never been to before, but charging around all week seeing as many worthy attractions as possible is vastly overrated. And even if full-on sightseeing is the plan, the combination of tour operator cancellations, not realising everything's closed on Mondays and lurid cocktail-induced 11am wake ups tend to mean staying by the pool becomes the happy default option.

An awful song that sticks in your head

While by that pool, however, you'll also get the chance to listen to the two CDs the hotel as thought to invest in. And you'll hear them over and over again until insanity kicks in. At least one of these songs will be awful, yet infernally catchy, and will be forever associated with the destination afterwards.

Note: the alternative scenario is that the hated earworm song comes via bands playing in bars – there will be one that every single act plays.

What are the lame experiences that form a key part of your holidays? Post your comments below.

See also: The 25 most common travel mistakes (and how to avoid them)

See also: Travel's biggest suckers: The type of travellers that fall for scams

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