Star-spangled banter

We’re sorry, this feature is currently unavailable. We’re working to restore it. Please try again later.

Advertisement

This was published 14 years ago

Star-spangled banter

The Luxor, Las Vegas' meretricious homage to ancient Egypt

The Luxor, Las Vegas' meretricious homage to ancient EgyptCredit: Bloomberg

It's dark and about 8 degrees when my girlfriend and I arrive at Las Vegas airport. Like the city, it's plastered with advertisements for comedy, acrobatic and magic shows. I find it hard to believe every performer in Vegas can be “the best” or “the greatest” but the imposing banners, with their gleaming, unattributed quotes, suggest otherwise.

We get a cab to the Excalibur hotel, which is a meretricious homage to Camelot. It sits opposite the Luxor, a meretricious homage to ancient Egypt. Further down the strip there are other meretricious homages: Paris (Paris), the Venetian (Venice), Caesars Palace (ancient Rome) and New York-New York (New York). The US – why would you want to be anywhere else?

Loading

Like every other casino on Earth, the Excalibur's carpet sucks but my attention is soon diverted by the “Party Pit”. It's not so much a pit as a small stage that sits in the middle of an arc of blackjack tables. Two girls at a time dance on the stage in skimpy black outfits, with “I don't really wanna be here but the tips are good” expressions plastered on their faces and slow, drunken choreography.

First and foremost, we're here for a holiday. But since we left Sydney some 16 hours ago, I've been keen to see how much favour we can curry with our obvious Aussie accents. By all accounts, Americans love the “Oss-e” accent, with its often spontaneous intonation and comedic potential. So, naturally, I expect to be greeted with smiles and handshakes and a slew of exaggerated g'days wherever we go.

After paying for our room – sadly, the clerk is oblivious to our gratuitous use of the word “mate” – we go for an evening stroll. It takes about five minutes before an unspeakable act occurs. We're innocently walking on the left side of an inter-casino bridge – that's the side we walk on in Australia – when some brazen xenophobe comes out with, “They must be British, hon.” He then tilts his oversized, cowboy-hatted noggin towards us, as if to warn his fellow Americans of the colonial threat afoot. Heads down, we quickly switch over to the right side of the bridge.

Humiliated and hungry, we go to a diner-themed restaurant to get a burger and try to forget about the “British incident”. A very chipper waitress, who bears a striking resemblance to one of the girls I'd seen at the Party Pit earlier, bounds over to take our orders.

“G'day,” I say, unashamedly flying the patriotic flag.

Advertisement

“Well, hi there,” she replies, all smile and Southern accent.

Just as I think we were getting somewhere, she says something soul destroying.

“That Flight of the Conchords show is soooo funny.”

Great. Now we're New Zealanders.

“Best damn show on TV,” I shoot back, with all-American zeal.

“I love their accents.”

“Yeah ... us too,” I say, defeated but proudly Aussie.

Sign up for the Traveller Deals newsletter

Get exclusive travel deals delivered straight to your inbox. Sign up now.

Most viewed on Traveller

Loading