This was published 7 years ago
Most annoying things about air travel: The 10 things that are worse than children on a plane
Annoying people on planes come in many forms. Credit: Getty Images
In a bid to cement the status of children as second-class citizens, the airline industry is awash with "Quiet Zones". India's largest airline, IndiGo, is the latest to exclude children under the age of 12 from premium seating, following Scoot, Malaysia Airlines and AirAsia.
I understand the appeal. Who wants a screaming baby or toddlers with sticky fingers in their orbit? But I reckon there are far worse travelling companions.
Here are my top10.
1. LOUD TALKERS
No one needs to hear about that mysterious itch in your crotch. As I say to the children, "Use your 'inside' voice". Perhaps the entire aircraft could be converted into a Quiet Zone?
2. PROLIFIC FARTERS
There's nothing worse than flying in a fug of noxious gases. Save your bottom burps for the toilet. Or avoid the bean salad in the airport food court.
3. DRUNKEN AUSSIES
Why does our behaviour switch on to bogan, as soon as the seatbelt sign is switched off? Seriously, it's a mode of transport, not a B&S Ball.
4. THOSE WHO CAN'T AIM
This follows on from my previous point. I do not want to wade through a slick of urine in the toilet, especially in threadbare socks. Improve your aim, Sir.
5. SEAT SLAMMERS
As soon as you're airborne, they whack their seat into your knees, like it's SUDDENLY TERRIBLY IMPORTANT TO BE SITTING AT AN INCLINE OF NINE DEGREES.
6. ARMREST HOGS
Often related to seat slammers, they inch their elbows across until your arm is shoved aside. It's a battle worthy of Stalingrad, as armed forces invade your space.
7. OLFACTORY ASSAULTERS
This is a spectrum disorder, ranging from stinky feet and pits to applying nail polish. (Because it's obviously easier to do amid turbulence, than in the comfort of your own home...)
8. SCREEN POKERS
You do not need to stab at your screen, like an 18th century jouster, in order to change the channel. There's a reason it's called a "touch screen".
9. OVERSHARERS
Keep your cold to yourself. Again, as I tell the children, "Cover your mouth when you cough". Or wear one of those natty masks, like a superhero.
10. PROSELYTISERS
One of my friends was asked by the woman sitting next to her, "Have you found Jesus?" She resisted the temptation to answer, "Didn't know he was missing". Her new bestie then gave her a hug, sneaking a prayer card into her hand. (I guess she felt close to God at 35,000 feet...)
So, memo airlines: Consider annoying people-free zones.Plenty of people would pay a premium.
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