The most overrated and underrated things about hotels

They have our credit card details – in fact, they know everything about us – because we booked online. So why are we forced to wait in queues after long flights to fill in forms demanding everything from our car rego to our year 12 maths teacher's name? Thank god for hotels which bypass this torture – and give us our keys when we show them our passport. Or where someone checks you in as they show you to your room. CT

A MASTER LIGHT SWITCH

Who hasn't stumbled around a hotel room at midnight trying to locate the elusive switch that turns off the annoying light in the cupboard? Or battled with a menu of 15 "mood" lighting settings on a TV or tablet? Dear Hotel Designers, we would like one switch next to the bed that turns off every light in the room. Even the one in the cupboard. Thank-you. RM

GATE-TO-GATE AIRLINE MOVIES

It's the climatic final scene. Jean-Pierre and Emile are embracing in the rain under the Eiffel Tower. He gets down on one knee. She starts to cry. But Claude is on his way. Will he get there in time? And which one will she choose? "Ladies and gentleman, we're shutting down the entertainment system in preparation for landing". Nooooo!! Gate-to-gate entertainment systems should be compulsory – like lifejackets and safety rafts. Anything else is just cruel. RM

UNIVERSAL POWER POINTS

These are not difficult things to install – they would surely cost little more than a regular power point – but they make a huge difference to travellers' lives. No more fumbling around with your own power adaptors. No more deciding whether to prioritise your laptop or your mobile phone. Just plug everything in as you would at home. BG

TICK-TOCK

Hotel housekeepers, take note. If I angle the bedside clock so I can see it without lifting my head from the pillow, can you please leave it in place – just like that – until I check out? Don't fight me on it. And, while you're at it, can you check that the clock shows the correct time? KL

OVERRATED

MINIBARS

Once upon a time, hotel rooms had handy little fridges for keeping stuff cold. Then some bright spark realised that if you filled them with exorbitantly priced drinks and snacks, guests would regularly succumb to a late-night bout of insanity and spend $18 on a bag of M&Ms. (Incidentally, the person responsible for this game changer was allegedly the manager of the Hilton in Hong Kong, who in 1974 boosted drink sales by 500 per cent by installing minibars in the property's 840 rooms.)

Now when you open the minibar in an upmarket hotel you'll be greeted by a selection of "artisanal treats". A small batch gin that's been distilled by a hipster in an antique copper bathtub ($48). Kettle chips that have been individually cooked by a master fryer then hand-dusted with Nicaraguan sea salt ($13). An erotic intimacy kit (don't ask).

The thing is, we don't want them. A 2013 TripAdvisor survey found that 21 per cent of US travellers rated the minibar as the least important hotel amenity. We just want somewhere to chill a bottle of wine. And keep milk fresh. So please, hotel designers, give us back our handy little fridges. RM

HOTEL SEE-THROUGH BATHROOMS

Newlyweds might appreciate the fact that some on-trend hotel rooms are designed with an unfrosted glass screen (or worse, completely open-plan) to separate bath from bed. It's fun, it's sexy, and of course you can enjoy the views the hotel affords while you bathe. But those travelling with their mum or dad, a grandparent or a friend should be prepared to spend some quality time wandering the halls while their roommate is showering. Even more disturbing is an open plan bathroom with a toilet metres away from the bed; a sure-fire way for even the most romantic of honeymooners to question whether they made the right decision in vowing "for better or for worse". Even solo travellers booking luxury-sounding suites boasting floor-to-ceiling windows, natural light and open-plan bathrooms need to consider that any ablutions could be apprised by high-rise office workers directly across the street. AB

PILLOW MENUS

You know what? You really just need to give us two medium-sized, decent pillows. That's all we ask. Even after reading the "pillow menu" at hotels that like to think they're doing you a favour, you still have no idea what any of them are going to feel like, and what you really need to make you comfortable are just the same plain-Jane things you use back home. No need to get too fancy. BG

FREQUENT FLYER PROGRAMS

If you fly regularly for work or can justify signing up for a new credit card every month, frequent flyer programs might be worth it. For the rest of us, the benefits rarely justify the loyalty. Airlines constantly change the rules, points expire and redeeming them is often nigh-on impossible. Instead, choose the airline with the best fare and the most convenient connections. Life's too short. RM

DOWNLOADABLE ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEMS

Wonderful in theory: the latest movies, TV shows and games all available on our gadgets. But the reality is we can't download it onto our laptops. Instead we're forced to watch questionable movies and TV shows on tablets and phones with tiny screens, and generally with no charging ports, so that if we do actually manage to find a decent movie, we'll miss the ending anyway. CT

SYDNEY AIRPORT DUTY-FREE

Sydney international airport's duty-free maze makes Istanbul's Grand Bazaar look like a stroll down a wide boulevard. Whichever way you dodge to reach your gate, there's no easy way through the shiny rows of cosmetics, fragrances, liquor and electronics. It's more straightforward when returning to the country – but that 1.5 per cent credit-card surcharge ensures I always keep trotting right through to baggage claim. See sydneyairport.com.au KL

BUTLERS

Sound great in theory; imagine: someone on hand day and night to cater to every whim. But the reality is an awkward subservient relationship with someone who's constantly in your personal space. Unless you grew up in colonial-era times – perhaps on a plantation somewhere deep in her Majesty's dominions – having a butler on holiday just feels … wrong. Especially if you're in a Third-World country. CT

AIR NEW ZEALAND SAFETY VIDEO

Air New Zealand is lauded for making some of the world's most creative safety videos – so what's with the cringeworthy Katie Holmes/Cuba Gooding Jr Fantastical Journey instalment? Dressed in white to play Earth's "Creators", the two Hollywood actors churn out dialogue so wooden you might think you've dozed off into a bad dream. See airnewzealand.com.au KL

PORTERS ON ARRIVAL

What do they do? Where do they go? It matters little if you're paying $100-a-night, or $1000. You'll check into your hotel and hand your bags over, then you'll wait 30 minutes for your bags to arrive at your room. When you can't hold out any longer, you'll have a shower; then answer the doorbell in a towel, before searching for the right change to tip for a task you wish you did yourself anyway. CT

INDIGENOUS TREATMENTS AT HOTEL SPAS

Want a lesson on how to patronise the entire indigenous population of a country, or region? Look no further than the token indigenous-themed treatment at a hotel spa. First, there's the bizarre smoke-burning ceremony … sometimes with soft chanting; before a particularly foul-smelling oil is smeared on your back (which even the quickest check on Google reveals has nothing to do with the local indigenous); all so you'll be charged an extra $50. CT