Framed ... artworks by Charles Blackman in the Blackman hotel.Credit: Mark Roper
Surrounded by works of famous Australian artists, Amy Cooper attempts to pull off the perfect heist.
I'M WOEFULLY underqualified to attempt an art heist. I've never stolen anything, unless you count the occasional hand in the lolly jar at school. And I don't have a heist wardrobe. I've brought black because I'm visiting Melbourne but forgot my balaclava.
Still, I'm going to try to nick a signed Banksy screen print worth $15,000 - with the consent of its owners.
Banksy’s No Ball Games.
Until January 15, Art Series Hotels is inviting guests at its three Melbourne properties, the Olsen, the Cullen and the Blackman, to make off with the British street artist's No Ball Games. The artwork will rotate between the three art-themed hotels, changing position, and anyone who successfully appropriates it can keep it.
Art Series owner William Deague admits he is a "little nervous" about the promotion. After all, there are more than 1500 artworks by Cullen, Olsen and Blackman in the hotels, too.
First, you have to find the Banksy. The rules say you must be in residence (and you mustn't damage the property or staff), so I'm at the Blackman on St Kilda Road. It's themed around the haunting, dreamlike work of Charles Blackman. Anything by Banksy, an iconoclast known for stencilling satirical social comment on public spaces, should stand out here.
But given the street artist's fondness for pranks, the art could be absolutely anywhere - on an animal, in a drawer. He's the sort of bloke who might pop in overnight and draw on your toilet wall. More likely still, he might nick his own work.
"Where's the Banksy?" I ask the reception staff, casually. They affect Mona Lisa inscrutability. "We don't know."
What they do tell me is that No Ball Games has a historical association with theft. In 2007, thieves using an angle grinder removed part of a London street wall after Banksy stencilled around a "No Ball Games" sign. The wall was later found on eBay for £20,000. This inspired the stunt.
A search of my room reveals four Blackman works on the walls but no Banksy. I scour the gym, pool deck and Classico restaurant before concluding the Banksy must be at the Cullen in Prahran. It makes sense; bad boy Adam Cullen and Banksy share favourite motifs - Ku Klux Klansmen and weird animals. A Banksy could hide in plain sight there.
I disguise myself as an art critic and slip undetected through the 113-suite property's corridors. Here a stiletto-wearing Ned Kelly, there a horse-pig-donkey hybrid. No Banksy. A staffer sees me lurking and takes pity. "I think it's at the Olsen," he whispers.
Over to South Yarra, where John Olsen's squiggly lines and splashy colours fill 15 floors. I scour each surface but still there's no sign of Banksy.
One more look upstairs before I retire from a life of crime. Suddenly, in a corridor by the spa, I see it. No Ball Games, green and funky, is hanging on the wall. The manager is admiring it.
I need a diversion.
"You're wanted in reception urgently," I say. "Adam Cullen's here. He's not very happy and he's brought, um, a horse. It's angry, too."
He raises an eyebrow. "Nice try. But how were you going to escape?"
Rule one of heists: a handbag won't carry your loot - especially when the art is about a metre square. So if you're planning to steal the Banksy, which is available for theft until January 15, know this: you'll need a sack, a getaway car and if possible, your own Ocean's Eleven.
I might try again when better prepared. See you on the job.
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