On the slide ... making tracks on the groomed snow at Mount Buller.
Natalie Craig's guide to day trips to the snow, from early starts on the bus to mastering turns on the bunny slopes.
Experts say learning to ski is easy. Of course, they would say that, the buggers. They learnt when they were children, spending weeks at a time at the snow.
I learnt in my late 20s, one day at a time, and it wasn't easy. I felt like Bambi on ice. I did the splits inexplicably in the queue for the chairlift. At the ski school, I toppled over from a stationary position on flat snow. It took two instructors to get me up.
Normally, I wouldn't have bothered with skiing but I had accepted a gig writing a "learn-to-ski" column. This meant travelling to Mount Buller by bus every second weekend, writing 800 words on the way home, then turning up for work on Monday late, exhausted and suspiciously tanned.
On the first morning skiing, I was so exasperated, I considered abandoning the column. But by the afternoon, my instructor had taught me how to stay upright, negotiate chairlifts and nail the rudimentary "piece of pizza" turn.
It didn't take long before I began to regard skiing as a sane pastime. Of course, the stupendously picturesque backdrop and abundance of gorgeous men didn't hurt. Plus, I was able to eat wedges and sour cream for lunch, wash it down with hot chocolate and wine, then later more wine, and still come home with thighs of steel.
As a fairly tall woman, my style back then invited comparison with Kramer from Seinfeld - stiff, upright and angular, with the occasional sudden, manic movement - but I now class myself a "decent skier".
Not only that, I'm an absolute pro at skiing day trips, having learnt the best way to cope with the hard-and-fast 14-hour excursions without getting sick from fatigue or losing my day job.
Here are my tips for surviving:
The bus trip
There's no getting around it: the departure time is disgusting. Some tour groups collect their first passenger at 4.30am; others have deigned to schedule "sleepyhead" buses that leave at 6.30am. Either way, it's winter and you'll be leaving in the dark, so it pays to be military in your preparations. Wear your thermals to bed if you have to. Once on the bus, you'll need to get more sleep, which can be hard if you find yourself the meat in an iPod sandwich. Take a travel pillow, some earplugs, or your own iPod.
Your gear
Don't dress like a pro the first time you go; people will expect you to ski like one. By the same token, jeans, a bomber jacket and a footy scarf won't cut it (yet somehow, those dudes always look like they're having a ball in the snow). Rent a waterproof jacket, pants and gloves, and get yourself some thermals and a skivvy. Thin wool socks are better than thick socks, which can bunch up in your spaceman boots. Invest in goggles, which can make you look like a welder but are as good as sunnies on hot days and crucial on yucky days.
Getting your skis
Some buses stop at shops near the mountains so you can rent skis and others leave you to pick them up at the resort (which means no lugging them on and off the bus). You'll fill out a form with your height, weight and skiing ability and give it to a chirpy young clerk. She'll look at it and say "Okay, wicked!" (or if she's Kiwi, "Okay, wucked!"), then fit you with boots, skis and stocks. Carry your stocks and skis carefully out of the shop under one arm.
If you're already wearing your spaceman boots, you'll notice you're walking weirdly - knees bent, slow and with a deliberate heel-toe movement, like a robot (or a rapper?). Either way, it's impossible to look uncool.
Your first lesson
Just about the most dangerous and hilarious part of the ski field is the ski school meeting area. A flat patch of snow outside the resort HQ, it generally affords a terrific view of the bunny slopes, where petrified dads ski bum-out, head-down across the mountain, narrowly avoiding their fearless kids. Do your robo-rapper walk over to the "first-timer" sign and announce yourself to the ski instructor. The lesson, if you're lucky, will be taken by someone called Sven or Svetlana, and involve equal parts flirting and hurting.
Sven/Svetlana will check your boots are on nice and tight (raow!), then get you to put on one ski and practice skating around and tilting your ankles. This helps the thin metal edges on the side of the ski grip the snow and gives you control. Once you've got both skis on, you're ready to tilt your ankles so your skis form the "piece of pizza", or "snowplough". This is essentially your handbrake and the more triangular you make your skis, the harder you brake. Sven/Svetlana will then teach you to ride the beginner chairlift, or perhaps the "carpet", which is like a magic snow escalator, and assess your snowplough turns, before leaving you to it.
Lunch
Some of the better restaurants at the snow can only be reached through superior skiing. But fear not, you'll be so hungry you'll eat anything. And because skiing is the world's most effective ThighMaster, you can afford to indulge in not-so-cheap junk. Guilt-free gluttony is one of the best things about the skiing day trip. Ideally, you'll break three times during the day, including for an afternoon snowfight (it's your prerogative as a beginner skier), and a mulled wine or four at an outdoor bar.
Home time
The good feelings continue on the bus ride home - the teenagers are more sedate and the scenery can be breathtaking as the sun sets. You'll feel sore but alive and content in the knowledge you've made the most of a winter weekend, doing about a week's worth of exercise in one day. I recommend a sports drink to counter the dehydrating effects of alcohol and sweating, and change into trackies and warm socks. Sleeping on the way home is rarely a problem, so snuggle up and start dreaming of your next trip.
On the buses
Mount Buller
Altitude Tours' "discovery" ski deal includes coach transport, two-hour ski lesson, access to seven lifts and ski hire. (Beginner snowboarding also available.) Cost: $252 adults, $221 tertiary students, $195 children under 14. Jacket and pants hire is an extra $39 for adults, $32 for children (all child ski packages include a helmet). Hire is on-mountain. Guide will assist with hire process and getting you to ski school. Departs Melbourne at 4.15am, via Collingwood, Box Hill and Ringwood. Lilydale and Coldstream pick-ups also available. Coach is generally the first on the mountain. Stops for breakfast at Mansfield Bakery. Departs Mount Buller at 4pm. Phone 1300 905 268, see altitudetours.com.au.
Alzburg Resort
The "come and try — red" day-trip package includes coach transport; one-hour ski lesson, at 11am or noon only; access to two beginner lifts; skis, poles and boot hire; jacket and pants hire; breakfast. This deal does not include snowboarding. Cost: $245 for adults and $168 for children 14 and under. Daily departures from Federation Square and around Melbourne from 6-6.30am. Depart Mount Buller at 4.30pm. Hire is from Mansfield and must be prebooked and prepaid. Phone 1300 885 448, see alzburg.com.au.
Extragreen
"Learn-to-ski" package includes coach transport, one-hour ski lesson, access to three lifts and ski hire. Cost: $179 for adults, $172 for tertiary students, $158 for secondary student, $148 for children. Jacket and pants hire is an extra $34 for adults and $27 for children. Departs Melbourne CBD at 6am, then Box Hill and Glen Waverley. Departs Mount Buller at 4.30pm. Hire is on-mountain. Phone 1300 006 888, see extragreen.com.au.
Mount Baw Baw
Baw Baw Bruce mini-bus day trip for 10 friends, travelling from a central pick-up point in Melbourne to the snow, includes gate entry, toboggan hire, toboggan pass and a hot chocolate. Cost $150 a person. Ski hire from $50 for adults and $32 for children, and group lesson from $58 a person. Snowboarding packages also available. Phone 5165 1136, see mountbawbaw.com.au.
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