This was published 1 year ago
'All inclusive': Seven travel phrases that should set off alarm bells
By Brian Johnston
A 'local performance' of Morris dancing. No one wants to see this, much less participate in it. Credit: iStock
Beware the nicely-turned phrase in your travel brochure or online tour description. These weasel words promise good things, but you don't always get what you expect.
ALL INCLUSIVE
Never has a short phrase promised so much. Yet common sense tells you this guarantee is never delivered, otherwise guests would demand champagne and caviar, limousine rides, fireworks, and strippers bursting from giant cakes. Ignore this phrase and head to the small print, which is where you'll really find out what's included – and what's not. One thing is certain: you'll have to cough up more money somewhere along the way, whether for a modest glass of wine or two, or your airfare. All inclusive? Yeah. But nah.
AT YOUR LEISURE
There's nothing wrong with tour downtime that lets you recharge energy or pursue a personal interest. But watch out if this phrase pops up too often on your itinerary. Often, it's code for having to arrange your own sightseeing at your own expense. Hint: tours at bargain prices aren't a bargain if you're not getting bang for your buck. Another meaning hidden in this phrase might be that your tour hotel is so inconveniently located there's nothing at all to do nearby, unless you have a keen interest in semi-industrial suburbia.
CENTRALLY LOCATED HOTEL
Locate the hotel on Google Maps before you book a holiday, no matter what the claim. "Central" means different things to a businessperson or a sightseer, and the geographical centre of modern cities might be nowhere near the sights. Also, being central won't be fun if it comes with traffic outside your window, hen parties shrieking past midnight, and dustbins rattling at daybreak. Thirdly, companies often use this description for big tour-group hotels, so prepare for crowded breakfast rooms and long waits for lifts.
WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE
This is another phrase open to interpretation, whether it refers to a hotel, sight or town centre. After all, everyone has their own idea of how far they're prepared to walk and, while you wouldn't go too far for a beer, you might trek up a mountain for a view. Presumably to some people, South Australia's Fleurieu Peninsula is within walking distance of the Flinders Ranges (above), since it's linked by Australia's longest designated hiking track (1200 kilometres). Besides, saying an urban hotel is close to restaurants, bars and public transport is stating the obvious. Isn't every other hotel in town as well?
OPTIONAL EXCURSIONS
Only on the most deluxe package tours and cruises does "optional" refer to genuine choice between various cost-included excursions. Most of the time, "optional" means "at your own expense" and you'll be slugged an extra $120. The same applies to optional meals, concerts and scenic flights. Check how much it would cost you to organise the activity yourself. Tour companies and cruise lines make big margins from add-on excursions which, although they offer convenience, are seldom great value.
SKIP THE QUEUE
Credit: AP
A regular promise on organised tour holidays is that you won't have to wait in line at museums and palaces because you have privileged access to the delights within. This is a genuine advantage when lines for some top European museums stretch for two hours. But "skip the line" ought to be a warning that, once inside, crushing crowds will be milling in front of famous paintings and statues. Don't expect quiet contemplation unless you skip the entire museum. There are always very rewarding but underrated alternatives, such as the Palazzo Doria Pamphilj in Rome and the Musée Carnavalet in Paris.
ENJOY A LOCAL PERFORMANCE
Yikes, call me a killjoy, but does anyone really want to see this on their itinerary? In theory, it sounds like a great idea to see a demonstration of the local dance, folklore or handicraft skill, but when has more than 10 minutes not been enough? There's only so much enjoyment you can get from a dance said to imitate the romantic story of lovelorn yak herders. Besides, chances are these "authentic" performances have been invented for tourists. Only one phrase is more horrifying, and that's "audience participation welcome". Morris dancing is bad enough without the added attempts of random wine-fuelled tourists.
See also: The pandemic made me realise my ultimate travel bucket list. Here it is
See also: How to avoid getting stung by the latest hotel scam that went viral on TikTok
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