Australia borders open to tourists: Eight things foreigners need to know about our country

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This was published 2 years ago

Australia borders open to tourists: Eight things foreigners need to know about our country

By Anthony Dennis
Updated
Kangaroos are everywhere, from the moment you touch down.

Kangaroos are everywhere, from the moment you touch down.Credit: Getty Images

Congratulations. You've finally made it to Australia. We warmly welcome you to the land Down Under (formerly known, er, as of Sunday, as "Hermit Kingdom South") even though for two whole years you were not welcome here in any way whatsoever.

While you've been away there have been some changes, along with matters which demand clarification, of which every overseas visitor should be made aware.

POINT ONE

As Australians, we love to make our overseas guests from countries with a sorry record of industrial disputes feel right at home (oui, militant French friends, we're talking about you), so we especially arranged a special snap train stoppage in our beautiful world class gateway city, Sydney. It was specially co-ordinated with your plane's early morning touchdown on the first day of our gloriously open borders. We do hope that you've made it to your accommodation by now.

POINT TWO

Credit: Eddie Jim

Some of you on arrival were presented with a small (just be grateful it wasn't large) jar of the national delicacy. This is a traditional Australian prank we play on all foreigners as we're aware, following scientific studies, that only those bearing a birth certificate marked "born in Australia" are capable of eating, and enjoying, Vegemite. Feel free to use your "gift" as army boot polish, truck axle grease or as a party trick to frighten your friends back home. Whatever you do, please do not attempt to eat it as we do, believe it or not, want you to return.

POINT THREE

You may see our suddenly ubiquitous Prime Minister in our media performing a variety of tasks from (mask-free) industrial welding to impromptu shampooing and blow-drying. These are far from cheap publicity stunts as all Australians are justifiably proud of our leader's unrivalled skill set. However, he does have certain limitations including the use of anything bearing the brand "Nylex" (Australian for hose).

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POINT FOUR

Our prime minister is known to all as "Scomo" and the opposition leader as "Albo" (during your visit please, whatever your name, shorten it and pop an "O" at the end, unless there already is one). Note that Scomo is a master of the salutation. In the event you do encounter him, do not extend your hand in greeting. He will save you the trouble by grabbing it first and shaking it vigorously.

POINT FIVE

Australia is a proud federation run not by a national government but by eight different states and territories to which the PM directly reports (in between welding and hairdressing). Note that the country, a famous democracy, is in full federal election mode, as it has been for months, even though a federal election hasn't been officially called and it may not be held officially until well after you're gone.

POINT SIX

You'll notice that the kangaroo is even more visible than the Scomo, emblazoned on everything from the tail wing of our de facto national airline to "made in Australia" logos (nothing much is actually made in Australia, but that's another story). This is intended to celebrate that the kangaroo is the last Australian native mammal not to have been placed on an endangered and extinct list. But do not worry. Even when an animal does become extinct we simply slap a depiction of it on bottles of Tasmanian lager. You'll really love our upcoming Koala Koca Kola.

POINT SEVEN

As you will soon discover, our service is second to none in the world with our hospitality professionals (or what's left of them), perfecting classic Aussie customer greetings like, "You right there?, "youse next?" and "how can we not help you?"

POINT EIGHT

If you happen to pass a chemist (as we call pharmacies and drug stores in Australia) you may see signs in windows stating: "We have no RATs". Note that this does not pertain to rodent extermination, even though our country is uniquely accomplished in killing most living things (please six point, above).

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