Take a break ... Easts Beach, Kiama.
Few people, except perhaps circus contortionists, hive-dwelling bees and emotionally wrought mothers-of-six, fully grasp the challenges of a campervan holiday. There are benefits aplenty - wide-open spaces, comfortable accommodation (at least by camping standards) and freedom of movement.
At the same time there are challenges, most of them related to squeezing a group of noisy, independent individuals into a small box on wheels and praying that the friction doesn't ignite the polyester window drapes and turn the oasis into an inferno. Add children to the mix and you can divide the space by 10 and multiply the tension by a hundred.
Our plan is slightly more modest - four city lads, only one of whom is technically equipped for life in the bush, having been born in Armidale. The remainder are creatures of the urban wilderness, feral at heart but too dependent on the comforts of hot and cold running water, AC, power and cable television, all of which, to varying degrees, are unavailable when you unplug and drive your house onto the M1.
The result, however, is glorious. Nothing is more pleasurable to the exhausted city dweller than aiming the exhaust at the jungle of Sydney, with its rent crisis, rates hikes and ballooning grocery bills and hurtling down the highway in search of tranquillity. Pick the right pit stops and you may even find it.
There are obvious pitfalls along the way, including the occasional misread map (we were halfway to Canberra before we realised we were no longer on the road to Kiama) and the shocking wallop of a morning cold shower in a camping ground. The pay-off, though, is worth it. At Bawley Point, for example, the vast stretch of sand and the ocean lapping against it need be shared with no one.
First things first: the van - not a small decision to make given it's going to provide shelter, warmth and, if you're game, plumbing for a week or more. Our vehicle is from KEA, though there is a range of different campervan companies that will all sell you roughly comparative vehicles. The fleet ranges from two-berth "flip-top" campervans, which drive like a car but have an adjustable roof, through to four- and six-berth motorhomes.
The last of those is a would-be fleet flagship, with a shower and toilet, fully equipped kitchen, air-conditioning and accommodation for six.
We've nicknamed her Bertha before we've set foot inside. She looks a little large and unwieldy in the driveway but the 2.4-litre intercooled turbo diesel engine, six-speed manual gearbox and power steering make her the QE2 of the open road.
Given the tight space, the rule of thumb is to over-calculate by two berths. That is, put two people in a four-berth model, four in a six berth and so on. You can't see it on the floor plan but you'll be thankful for the extra space when you're cooking the dinner and making the beds.
From a motoring viewpoint Bertha is first class - ABS, dual airbags, central locking and air-conditioning, plus two belted seats in the front and four belted seats in the dining nook. In practice it proves a little tricky to keep the children - in our case, two grown men who ought to know better - safely strapped in while we're driving, so bribery is your best option. Plan your itinerary around country bakeries and don't be afraid to buy good behaviour with neenish tarts.
Our first stop is Easts Beach Holiday Park, Kiama, booked through Big4 Holiday Parks. Booking through the central hub opens up some latitude in terms of destination choice. Its website (big4.com.au) is neat and easily navigated, has a searchable database of more than 170 parks nationally and has detailed information about their facilities, including pools, tennis courts, playgrounds, cafes, camp kitchens, boat ramps and, in the modern era, all-important wireless internet.
Easts is perfect for the family holidaymaker, less so for four lads. It has a 25-metre resort pool, heated spa and children's pool, tennis and an internet kiosk, though the sight of a hillside peppered by vans and cabins isn't perhaps what we were looking for in a city escape.
Dining out proves even trickier. Without a separate car, we have to uncouple Bertha from the plumbing and AC power supply and drive her back out of the park. If you can street-park a 6.8-metre-long, 2.2-metre-wide, 3.1-metre-high monster, go to the front of the class. Our best effort left her leaning, worryingly, to the left. Crossing our fingers we would not return to find her sleeping on her side, we headed off to dinner.
As with camping, the comfort in campervanning is measured by the proximity and quality of plumbing. Easts offers a "powered ensuite site", which means you quite literally park next to your very own bathroom, including a toilet and shower with hot and cold running water.
Bertha, like most of the bigger vans in the KEA fleet, comes with her own shower recess, cassette-flush toilet and 150-litre freshwater tank, though the thought of doing number twos separated only by a paper-thin door with an incomplete seal is not the most appealing. Given the van has to be returned with its waste flushed (and fittings spick and span), we opted not to use the on-board facilities. With careful planning, you won't notice.
Converting the van from day to night configuration proved easier than first feared - a few folding flaps and the dining nook becomes a bed and the lounge nook another. Of the three double beds on offer, the best is clearly the top alcove above the cockpit. It has a low roof but the most room to spread. The beds, astonishingly, give a great night's sleep. The mattresses are firm, the spaces a little confined but comfortable.
With an AM/FM radio, CD player, television and DVD player built in, there was no shortage of after-dinner entertainment. Television reception, as you might expect, isn't so flash, so the DVD player quickly emerged as the holiday's unexpected star, playing an assortment of pre-packed DVDs. The screen is small but locks away in a secure compartment.
Our second stop needed to be something less civilised and Bawley Point looked ideal on the map, being somewhere in the overgrown wilderness between Ulladulla and Batemans Bay. It proved to be exactly that - a rough, overgrown paradise. Racecourse Beach Tourist Park promised a 25-metre swimming pool, children's pool, sauna, mini golf course, tennis courts and a camp kitchen.
Its best feature, however, was the ocean, glorious, blue and infinite. With a glance, it delivered the escape from the city hustle we were looking for. Unlike the more town-like framework of Kiama, Racecourse Beach was jagged, with narrow pathways through the trees linking clusters of cabins and a large, wildly overgrown corner for the powered van sites. We parked in a quiet copse of trees, plugged in and walked 25 metres to the beach.
Dinner here is a more flexible affair, cooked on the van's stove top. It's a small but versatile kitchen that doesn't allow for much in terms of creating a mess but delivers us a Thai stir-fry, salad and dessert with minimal effort. The kitchen, curiously, is a metaphor for the whole campervanning experience - it's lean on room to move and it takes careful planning to get right but the pay-off is outstanding.
For a bunch of mates wanting to spend some quality time together, it proves to be a relaxing escape and the parks, despite the population density, are a preferable alternative to simply parking on the street and setting up house. You might need the holiday once the paperwork, orientation and planning are done but this is a holiday that requires enormous effort until it starts and then seems to take no effort at all.
TRIP NOTES
KEA Campervans (au.keacampers.com) has a fleet of two-, four- and six-berth campervans, motor homes and 4WD campers, available from 14 purpose-built depots. Campervans start at $135 a day for two-berth, minimum five days rental. The six-berth flagship starts at $265 a day. Rates include GST, unlimited kilometres, standard excess insurance cover (excess $5000), second driver fee, cleaning fee, full gas bottle, nationwide roadside service, free telephone help line, living equipment and travel information pack.
Easts Beach Holiday Park, Kiama (big4.com.au) offers waterfront units, holiday villas, ensuite cabins and budget cabins. Unpowered van sites start at $25 a day. Powered van sites start at $27 a day. Ensuite sites start at $42 a day.
Racecourse Beach Tourist Park (racecoursebeach.com.au) offers beachfront villas, villas, ensuite bunk rooms, ensuite cabins and cabin-style vans. Unpowered sites start at $20 a day. Powered sites start at $24 a day.
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