High life ... Stirling Castle.Credit: Grant Dixon/Lonely Planet
It was supposed to be a lazy day of sightseeing. A whisky distillery in the morning, lunch at an old mill and then back to our 13th-century castle accommodation in the evening. Yet from the moment we laid eyes on Mackenzie Dalrymple, we knew he was no ordinary bus driver. And that this would be no ordinary tour of Scotland.
"Is this Hollywood movie star really our bus driver?" asks my companion on our busload of women. "Is he married?" someone else asks. It may have been me.
To imagine Dalrymple is to picture all of Scotland in one man. Dark-blue tartan kilt, woollen knee breeches bound with twine, silver blade tucked into the top of his hose and leather sporran lashed around his hips. He is blond and goateed, with a lilting Fife accent peppered with "ayes". Even his company-issue polo shirt seems sexy. More Liam Neeson than Mel Gibson. In short, the thinking woman's kipper crumpet.
We meet the kipper on a freezing summer's morning at Edinburgh's newly revitalised dock district of Leith. His job is to get us to Glasgow, along the low road, and back. But no, he wants the high road. He is leafing through our itinerary of art galleries and lunch spots, when he looks up suddenly. His eyes are as hopeful as a puppy with his leash.
"Would you want to go up to the Highlands?" he asks us. You is yee. Go is goo.
"We could goo up to the Highlands tomorra mornin', if yeed leek," he continues. "Weeell have to leave a wee bit early but weell still be back in time foo lunch. It's soo close, I cannae believe it's noo in yee itinerary."
We cannae believe it either. We are completely in his thrall. Even his soliloquy on Scottish history, which lasts for an entire hour between Edinburgh and Glasgow, seems able to bestow sex-god, rock-star status on men who have been dead 800 years.
And so next morning we are scrambling bleary-eyed back onto Dalrymple's bus, wondering whether we'll ever make it back to the mill for lunch.
In fact, the high country is not so far into the hills as you might think. The rugged green mountains of the fabled Scottish Highlands are less than an hour's drive from Glasgow. And as we drive north, the grey city fringes fall away to grassy fields bordered by birch trees and ancient dry-stone walls. The mountains appear in the distance, soft at first, like a watercolour painting, then close enough to see the rounded peaks of the ancient landscape.
Officially, the Highlands are separated from the Lowlands by the Highland Boundary Fault – a geological line that runs from Arran and Helensburgh on the west coast to Stonehaven in the east. Unofficially, the Highlands begin at Loch Lomond – the largest lake in Britain and the end point of our impromptu day-tripper diversion.
Even in summer it's cold in Scotland. And even by mid-morning in the Highlands, there's an early morning quality to the air. With a name like Dalrymple, you'd be forgiven for wanting to take a wee drappie o' the good stuff before setting out with a bunch of post-colonial women. But Dalrymple simply parks the bus, then sets off at a speedy clip, as if drawn to this place by magical magnetic force. This kipper is the real MacKay. He travels with bagpipes, not whisky. We gather our jackets, wondering at his bare arms and legs, then follow in his wake.
Later, he tells us that he has travelled the world with his bagpipes in his backpack. Most probably, he is the only Scotsman to have piped in Salzburg and Sydney and everywhere in between. Once he used the pipes to snare a former beauty queen on Easter Island. (He lived with her for seven months until his parents sent one of his buddies to bring him home.)
Today, he ascends the 1000-metre lookout hillock in fewer than 20 strides. His genuine kilt sways behind him. We catch him up at the top but he has already pulled his bagpipes from beneath his kilt, settled himself onto a scenic rock and begun to play a gentle jig. Loch Lomond, gateway to the true Scotland, melts away in monochrome greens behind him.
"That's part of the West Highland Way," he says, pausing for breath and gesturing beyond the lake. "A 95-mile [152-kilometre] walk that's one of the best in the world."
The walk, which starts at Milngavie just outside Glasgow, ranges all the way to Fort William, near Inverlochy. It traverses moors, woodlands and mountain ranges, with plenty of bothies (unlocked huts), Bed and breakfast cottages and pubs dotted along the way.
From here, Dalrymple tells us, we can see the route that follows the shores of Loch Lomond.
Too late I realise this is the sort of place I would like to spend some time. To get here, we have driven through Trossachs National Park – Scotland's first national park, open since 2002. As well as its hiking trails, the park is known for good canoeing and kayaking as well as windsurfing. There are also many islands to explore, including Inchmurrin, the largest freshwater island in the British isles. There's truly something for everyone: Inchmurrin boasts Scotland's oldest nudist colony.
But before long, Dalrymple decides it's time to whisk us back to the Lowlands. And from there, it's back to the regular program. We learn how whisky is distilled from the grain at the 200-year-old single-malt establishment Glengoyne Distillery and distil our own blend in a tasting session.
We visit the 12th-century fortress of Stirling Castle, where William Wallace and Robert the Bruce both defeated the English. And we sample local specialties, haddock and haggis, at an 18th-century weaving mill-cum-restaurant in the village of Killearn.
Strange, but it's all an anti-climax after the lush green hills. Dalrymple's history monologue grows louder and he adds dagger hand actions and high-pitched sound effects in at attempt to keep his Antipodean audience entertained. I decide I like him best when he is playing the pipes. And I pity the Easter Island beauty queen, who is probably deaf to them for life.
Later, I read that famous 18th-century Scottish poet Robert Burns was rather scathing of the Highlands.
"There's naething here but Highland pride," he wrote. "And Highland scab and hunger:/ If Providence has sent me here,/'Twas surely in his anger."
He may have been right for those times. But Highland pride lives on and, thanks to the Dalrymples of this world, these days it's a pleasure to behold.
The writer was a guest of VisitBritain.
TRIP NOTES
GETTING THERE
British Airways flies from Sydney to Edinburgh via London from $1226, plus taxes. See britishairways.com.
GETTING AROUND
Rabbies Tours of Scotland offers one-day, small-group tours of Loch Lomond and Stirling Castle from £35 ($63) a person, as well as personalised short-break tours. See rabbies.com.
STAYING THERE
In Glasgow, ABode Hotels has a dinner, bed and breakfast package from £99 a room, twin share, for stays between Sunday and Friday nights. For details phone +44 141 221 6789, see abodehotels.co.uk.
In Edinburgh, Malmaison offers £79-a-weeknight room deals and £10 Sunday specials when you spend more than £75 on dinner. Tower Place, Leith, Edinburgh. Phone +44 131 468 5000, see malmaison-edinburgh.com.
WHILE THERE
Distil your own whisky and take a tour of the 200-year-old machinery at Glengoyne Distillery. Phone +44 1360 550 254, see www.glengoyne.com.
Visit Stirling Castle to learn more about Scotland's centuries-long battle against the English. Entry £9/£4.50. Phone +44 131 668 8600, see www.historic-scotland.gov.uk.
Sample local brews, then stay on for lunch at the Old Mill Barn. Phone +44 1360 550 068, see old-mill-killearn.co.uk.
Make time to walk the West Highland Way.
FURTHER INFORMATION
Sign up for the Traveller Deals newsletter
Get exclusive travel deals delivered straight to your inbox. Sign up now.