Las Vegas: simply stupid

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This was published 14 years ago

Las Vegas: simply stupid

The spectacular Bellagio in Las Vegas is surprisingly affordable.

The spectacular Bellagio in Las Vegas is surprisingly affordable.

Las Vegas is simply stupid. It makes no sense, dropped as it is in the middle of the desert on the road to nowhere. The area was once considered so barren the US government chose a spot just 100 kilometres away to explode nearly 1000 nuclear weapons during 40 years of testing.

You would think that might dampen local tourism but casino operators are masters at turning anything into a money-making opportunity – so they ran tours out to watch the blasts.

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This is at the heart of Vegas: the provision of any and all ways to separate the visitor from their holiday funds.

Inside the resorts you can visit carefully crafted fantasy worlds inspired by Paris, New York, Venice or ancient Greece in just three city blocks. Look up and you can see a replica of the paintings from the Sistine Chapel in the air-conditioned comfort of an American casino.

If you can be bothered to walk, you'll pass the Empire State Building, the Eiffel Tower and the Sphinx. All while chewing on a cheeseburger.

It is all fake, of course, and there is more real culture in a tub of yoghurt. Each casino tries to outdo its neighbour with bigger shows, bigger lights and bigger gimmicks.

Like the magician's illusion, it is the show that matters, not the reality. And if you can suspend disbelief, it is jaw-dropping.

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Las Vegas long ago evolved from the organised crime-inspired honey trap built to launder money while seducing the serious punter and the slot-machine devotee.

With casinos now established around the world and internet gambling a billion-dollar industry, Vegas has had to broaden its appeal. And it has done that. If you want it, Vegas can find it, from fine dining to world-class shows. Jersey Boys? No problem: it's on twice a night. Cirque du Soleil? Take your pick – there are six versions in town.

There is nothing subtle about Vegas, the sort of place where irony is a vitamin B supplement. It is in a perpetual state of change; newer, bigger and glitzier is always better.

When one casino was sold shortly after it underwent a $150 million facelift, the new owner simply blew it up and started again.

Until recently it was the quickest growing city in the US but with an economy built on tourism and impulse spending it has been hit hard by the global financial crisis. The skyline is littered with cranes but many remain stationary and will remain so until the money starts flowing.

But in a town built on optimism the signs are there that its fortunes are beginning to turn.

Even the very best hotels are offering once-in-a-generation deals. Writes Howard Stutz, the gaming writer for the Las Vegas Review-Journal: "Casino operators have told the investment community that business levels along the Strip have stabilised in recent months. Visitation has picked up, especially on weekends, although hotel rooms are going for nightly rates not seen in almost two decades. Customer spending, however, is down from a year ago."

While table gambling has suffered, the rising worldwide popularity of poker is obvious, with each casino card room packed with queues of people waiting for a seat.

The spectacular Bellagio (made groovy in the movie Oceans 11) is surprisingly affordable for those smart enough to shop around. The result is the Bellagio has an occupancy rate of 96 per cent. And that is in a five-star hotel with 4000 rooms. The Bellagio is built on excess, from the massive water show with choreographed displays in the three-hectare lake to the world's largest chocolate fountain.

So let's talk food. Everything is big. In Vegas if you try to order a sandwich smaller than a football you are immediately viewed as a communist. It would also appear that under the US Constitution it is illegal to serve a lunch without fries.

The Bellagio buffet cooked 982,000 eggs last year and serves 1000 omelettes a day. And I think I met the bloke who ate most of them.

Yet it is not all about getting double-digit cholesterol. There are world-class restaurants and it is possible to eat well without taking out a bridging loan. A three-course meal at Olives – a restaurant on the banks of the Bellagio lake with a perfect view of the fountains – can cost as little as $US50 ($45). And if you have won big on the tables they will be more than happy to decant a bottle of Grange Hermitage for you.

No story on Vegas would be complete without addressing the obvious. Breasts.

Yes, they are large and, yes, they are exposed. But most are owned by middle-aged men in loud boardshorts who congregate daily at the swimming pools around the resorts.

These men stand in waist-deep water, smoking cigars and drinking tumblers of whisky. It would be easier to circumnavigate a small Pacific island than swim around six of these guys having their own pool party.

The pools are magnificent but no one seems to really swim in them. They stand, they splash and the bikini babes might try a few strokes – but without removing their designer sunglasses.

On the strip there are thousands of people walking along at any time of the night or day: sightseeing, people watching, shopping or moving to the next casino.

The crowds are well behaved. The most annoying feature is the men and women flicking cards at you boasting they can find you a woman in 20 minutes. If this is true, prostitutes in Nevada have the status of emergency service workers because traffic is nearly always at a standstill; to get anywhere in that time would require a police escort with lights and sirens.

Inside the casinos, the cocktail waitresses flash smiles and cleavages in equal proportions because they largely live on the gratuities of the punters.

It's all about the tips.

The city has thousands of shops, from the kitsch to the cool, and many stay open until midnight in artificially themed areas from the Miracle Mile to Caesar's Palace. You can buy a pair of Gucci jeans while watching a gondola cruise by in a shopping centre designed to look like Venice. Or buy a French designer tie, made in Vietnam, in a shopping centre ripped off from ancient Greece.

There are always sales and there are always bargains – from the fashion outlets on the outskirts of town to the designer shops inside the casinos. The healthy Australian dollar makes the deals even better – and hard to resist. Luggage shops do brisk business with tourists who have simultaneously blown their budgets and baggage.

But beware. Many American airlines charge passengers for all checked-in bags. As a result many Americans refuse to check-in their bags and so carry on-board luggage just marginally smaller than a baby grand piano. It is therefore best to get in first before the overhead lockers are filled.

For a place that brags of its reputation as Sin City, Vegas is surprisingly safe. It is white-bread naughty rather than menacing. There is little visible police presence. The giant casinos have their own security forces that keep control with courtesy and tact.

Public drinking is tolerated but public drunkenness is not. People in general are well behaved and good humoured. Taxis are clean and their drivers will usually provide tourist information along the way.

It is to their credit and our shame that the seedier sides of Australia's capital cities are more intimidating than the main streets of Las Vegas.

While in the city, it is worth leaving the pool, the shops and the gambling tables to take a helicopter trip to the nearby Grand Canyon. From your hotel you can fly over Hoover Dam and land a kilometre inside the canyon, then fly back along the casino strip.

As you finally board your plane, the last thing you will see in the airport are souvenir stands and slot machines, just so your last spare change can be wrung from you.

Vegas is shiny, sexy and superficial. It is brassy, boisterous and partially bogus – and a lot of fun.

FAST FACTS

Getting there

United Airlines has a fare for about $1250 low-season return, including tax, from Melbourne and Sydney flying non-stop to Los Angeles, where you change aircraft for Las Vegas (Melbourne passengers transit in Sydney). Hawaiian Airlines has a fare for about $1800 flying from Sydney to Honolulu and then to Las Vegas (Melbourne passengers pay about $90 more and fly Virgin Blue to Sydney). Australians must apply for travel authorisation before departure on the secure website https://esta.cbp.dhs.gov.


The Bellagio Casino has 3933 rooms and suites. Online specials vary – the lowest on the hotel's site is about $150 a night for a double room; see bellagio.com. The Luxor Hotel Casino has 2200 rooms and 200 spa suites. Double rooms from $90 a night; see luxor.com.

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