I sailed on the world’s biggest cruise ship and it was bonkers
By Keith Austin
In one of his essays on food and drink, A. J. Liebling, an American journalist, Francophile and gourmand, quoted a friend talking about his wine cellar: “Last week, I had to offer my publisher a bottle that was far too good for him, simply because there was nothing between the insulting and the superlative.”
In the days and weeks preceding the preview sailing of Icon of the Seas out of the port of Miami, these words took on a special significance. It is no secret that among certain sections of the public there is a visceral loathing of cruise ships – and the recent behemoth-sized ships in particular. Negative comments range from their environmental impact to the idea of being ‘trapped’ at sea in proximity to so many other people.
Surfside, a whole neighbourhood on board designed for kids.
On the other hand, there are the gussied-up photographs and gushing press releases from Royal Caribbean, the cruise line, naturally extolling its new ship’s environmental credentials and a whole host of at-sea wonders such as record-breaking waterslides, first suspended infinity pool at sea, footballer Lionel Messi as the Icon of the Icon, an Aquadome (of which more later), and a mini nuclear reactor in the Windjammer buffet kitchen. This last item is pure conjecture but nothing else can explain what they do to bacon, which should be reported to the International Court of Justice.
In case you’ve been hiding under a rock for the past month or so, the facts are these: Icon of the Seas is the largest cruise ship in the world. It has 20 decks, 2350 crew, 2805 staterooms, seven pools, nine whirlpools, six record-breaking waterslides, crazy golf, adults-only areas, a gross tonnage of 250,800, is 365 metres long, 65 metres wide, and boasts eight separate ‘neighbourhoods’.
At full capacity it can hold more than 7000 guests, who can stuff their faces with everything from steak to sushi to milkshakes, seafood, tacos, crepes, chicken waffles and crucified, razor-sharp bacon in dozens of swanky and not-so-swanky eateries scattered about the ship. Its recycling programs ensure that more than 90 per cent of its trash never reaches landfill and the company’s aim is to create a net-zero ship by 2035.
After three nights on Icon, including one lazy day at CocoCay, Royal Caribbean’s private island in the Bahamas, it’s safe to say there’s plenty to see and do between the insulting and the superlative. In fact, I am reminded of a friend who, after seeing one of the pre-cruise images put out by Royal Caribbean, commented: “That’s a cartoon, right?”
The Thrill Island waterpark on board is like some contraption Wile E. Coyote might create to capture the Roadrunner.
Because that’s exactly what it feels like – a Looney Tunes cartoon come to life. The great, looping pipes and slides of the Thrill Island waterpark are like some contraption Wile E. Coyote might create to capture the Roadrunner. Or perhaps they’re the coloured intestines – all bright reds, yellows, blues, oranges and greens – of some cartoon monster that have erupted from the very top of the ship. The excited screams coming from within, as children and adults alike swirl through them, attest to this image.
Royal Caribbean is at pains to point out that the Icon of the Seas is a larger than life, all-things-to-all-people family vacation. It’s a floating theme park that’s part beach retreat, part waterpark, part Broadway show venue but all (with the possible exception of the dinky casino tucked like an afterthought in the lower depths) family-focussed fun. To this end, some 80 per cent of the staterooms can accommodate families, and there’s a whole neighbourhood – Surfside, with its giant pink flamingo statue – devoted to children under six. It’s what Jay Schneider, Royal Caribbean’s chief product innovation officer, calls “every vacation, all in one”.
Schneider also says that size wasn’t the purpose of Icon of the Seas and that it only ended up being the largest cruise ship in the world because it had to be that size to fit everything in: “If other cruise lines were to focus on making a bigger ship, they’d be focussed on the wrong thing – we’re not competing on size, we’re competing on experiences.”
The ship’s “Aquadome” theatre.
Icon of the Seas is, essentially, bonkers, an ocean-going paean to the ingenuity of the engineers, architects, designers and creatives who built it – and the executives who said “yeah, why the hell not” and signed the cheques. Standing on the quayside before boarding I am weirdly impressed by the sheer chutzpah of the thing. Here’s a ship that can, at a pinch, ferry 10,000 people (guests and crew) around the world. It has a major showtime theatre (The Wizard of Oz, if you like that sort of thing), a wave simulator where you can learn to surf, an ice rink theatre, that crazy waterpark and, holy hamstrings Batman, a six-deck-deep Aquadome that boasts a massive waterfall and nightly evening entertainment featuring high-diving, acrobatics and very wet dancing. There are more than 40 different drinking and dining venues, and plenty of upmarket shopping outlets to separate you from your money.
The only place I found on the ship where the colour palette doesn’t sear your eyeballs is the bridge, where the carpet is hard wearing and practical, of that low-key colour that Pantone calls Bluesteel. An unfussy L-shaped sofa and armchairs of a similar hue are tucked off to one side. Two equally functional-looking dentist-style chairs sit facing a bank of large computer screens. Beyond these, the cobalt blue of the Caribbean fills the floor-to-ceiling windows from port to starboard.
It’s all very muted. Except for the wooden, A-frame kennel in one corner, its pale pink mattress strewn with chew toys. This is the bridge ‘home’ of the ship’s Chief Dog Officer (CDO). Lionel Messi might be the ship’s official ‘Icon’ but the real celebrity is Rover, the six-month-old golden retriever who lives aboard and whose every unscripted appearance around the ship is greeted with the sort of fanfare normally reserved for the Taylor Swifts of the world.
Rover’s chief of staff/handler is Alison Hubble, originally from Forster on the New South Wales coast. She’s been looking after Rover for about a month now and says that she was taken aback by the dog’s instant fame: “I knew she was going to be popular but I didn’t know how popular. It’s like trailing around with a little celebrity.”
Rover aside, Icon might not be everyone’s cup of tea but this ocean-going lovechild of Looney Tunes and Las Vegas will hit all the right notes with its target audience – cashed-up families with children who are going to grace its many, many, many decks for years to come.
If they could just make all the kids walk the plank it would be perfect. But that’s just me.
THE DETAILS
With Miami as its home base, Icon of the Seas will be calling in at ports in either the eastern or western Caribbean, with every week-long trip visiting Perfect Day at CocoCay, Royal Caribbean’s private island in the Bahamas. Prices start from $A3014 per person. See royalcaribbean.com
The writer travelled as a guest of Royal Caribbean.
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