Resistance is futile at the world’s largest religious festival

Resistance is futile at the world’s largest religious festival, India’s Kumbh Mela. To profit from your attendance, you must surrender to humanity’s ceaseless, stifling, unfathomable flow. That is to say, this gathering is not for those who fear crowds.

You will be just one of tens of millions of kalpwasi (pilgrims) congregating for the devotional spectacular, which alternates every three years between Haridwar, Nasik, Ujjain and Allahabad. It’s upon these four cities that a droplet of the nectar of immortality is believed to have fallen from the kumbh (pitcher) during a battle between gods and demons; the mela (gathering) commemorates this spiritual tug-of-war.

Prime your senses in preparation for the overload. Spend time settling into the rhythm of this country before attending the mela, and engage the services of a guide.

Acquiesce respectfully when he drapes your shoulders with a dupatta – even if, like me, you’re an unbeliever. If you’re in Allahabad, take a boat to the confluence of the Ganges, Yamuna and mythical Saraswati Rivers, and receive the Brahmin’s blessing.

Anyone can come here to be one with the universe, he will tell you, as he sluices river water over your head and dabs red puja powder on your forehead.

Seek out moments of quietude amid the tumult: the tent city’s lime-dusted streets bathed at night in the sodium glow of street lamps; the Zen-like contemplativeness of orange-robed pilgrims; the marigolds and candles placed in paper boats and set adrift on the Ganges.

There will be nudity, too. In the marijuana-clouded ashrams you may well receive a blessing from a naga sadhu (naked holy man), his skin coated in a fine powder of ash, his crown jewels adorned – aptly, though bizarrely – with a string of pearls.

Though blessings are abundant, they come at a price: remember to leave rupees for your spiritual benefactor.