This throwaway joke at the bakery was just another example of ageism

My 68-year-old husband is affable by nature, so he moves fairly easily through the world. He can strike up a conversation with just about anyone and knows most of our local shopkeepers by name. That’s why I was surprised when he returned from running some errands recently not just flustered, but upset.

“I was queuing at the bakers, minding my own business,” he told me, “Then, when it was my turn, the bloke behind the counter said, ‘And what can we do for you, young man?’”

Being 65 myself, I knew exactly why he felt so outraged and humiliated. This may surprise those of you who are still young (it’s a very temporary state, so be warned) but those of us you think of as old do not go about our lives thinking of ourselves that way. We think of ourselves just as we always have – as we did when we were 14 or 40 or 25. Our outsides might have changed but our essential selves are just the same. It is always a shock when we find ourselves being treated differently simply because of the length of time we have spent on the planet.

However, the young (“not that young”, as my husband hastened to emphasise) shop assistant’s remark was particularly offensive because of the many ignorant assumptions it contained. The first is that old people are all desperate to be thought young. This is a delusion held by those who have never grown old (or even up).

Yes, there are downsides to being older, but there are also benefits, and that is true of any age. Anyway, as there is sod-all any of us can do about the passage of time, we may as well make the best of it. And, if we are lucky enough to be reasonably financially secure, most of us do.

Moreover, unless you die young, all of us will get old. Therefore, it is absurd to feel sorry for those who have lived longer than you. We neither want nor need your pity because we know we are lucky. We are still alive. You, random young person behind the baker’s counter, have no idea whether you will be as lucky as we have been. As Amy Poehler said, “Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.”

Having been alive for a long time does not turn us into children, either. We have not lost our agency, our authority, our dignity or our ability to navigate the world. Most of us have not even lost our marbles. We do not need to be coddled, spoken down to or patronised. If we get annoyed at being treated as if we have entered our second childhood, we are not crazy old people yelling at clouds. We are fully functioning human beings furious at being discriminated against and disrespected because of our age.

And if you roll your eyes or sigh as we try to explain why your rudeness infuriates us, stop it. Listen to what we are saying. Every time you discriminate against, diminish, patronise, mock, laugh behind your hand or ignore an older person, it is you who is being stupid. It is your future self you are shooting in the foot.