My travel life: Stephen Curry, actor, comedian and star of 'Mr Black'

Stephen Curry is an AFI award winning actor and comedian currently starring in Network 10 comedy series Mr Black.

NUMBER OF COUNTRIES VISITED

20 ... 21 if you count Albury/Wodonga

ANY PASSPORT MISHAPS?

I used to play in a cover band with my brothers, Bernie and Andy, where my job was essentially comic relief. One night I picked on the wrong member of the crowd and he promptly mounted the stage and punched me in my stupid face. The next morning, I got my first passport and for 10 years, every time I showed it at customs, they assessed me suspiciously, with a look that seemed to say "Seriously, who gets a passport photo with a massive black eye?".

I GOT MY FIRST PASSPORT WHEN I WAS 24. In the year 2000. I know. What's wrong with me?

MY PASSPORT PHOTO IS one of the finest photos ever taken of a human. My eyes are popping, my cheekbones are stunningly defined, my lips are full and pouty, my earlobes are perfectly proportioned, as ever, and my eyebrows are so on fleek it's ridique. And no – it's not spelt "en flique". That's a common mistake non-woke mofos make. #liftyourgame

I CAN'T STOP GOING BACK TO Scotland. It's where my wife's from and we have to go back all the time. It's really cold, it's becoming frighteningly expensive and young children are a nightmare to fly with. "When can we eat next?", "Are we there yet?", "I want to eat this pencil", "I just ate that pencil", etc etc. And that's just my wife. The kids are usually dosed up to the eyeballs with antihistamines, so it's practically impossible to decipher what they're banging on about.

MY LAST TRAVEL DESTINATION WAS Scotland to celebrate Christmas/New Year/my father-in-law's birthday. It was cold. The first day we got there it was literally too cold to snow. Who does Christmas in winter? There were no prawns, no cold cuts, and I shouldn't have even bothered packing my boardies or waxing my legs.

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MY NEXT TRAVEL DESTINATION IS probably Scotland. Did I mention they hold Christmas in winter?

I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO the haggis. And listening to the Proclaimers again.

WHAT I REALLY WANT FROM MY NEXT TRIP IS an upgrade.

I LOVE TO TRAVEL BECAUSE it makes me heaps more interesting at dinner parties. I love interrupting perfectly functioning conversations about renovations with something like, "Everyone shut up! I've been to Barcelona". Then they'll all look at me blankly as I shrug and take a casual sip of wine. Then someone will take the lead and say something like "Um … yeah … I guess we weren't really talking about that". To which I'll reply, "I guess you would've if you'd been to Barca. Which I have". Cue the silence. I don't get invited to a lot of dinner parties.

MY TRAVEL PHILOSOPHY IS don't get lost, stabbed or pregnant.

THE ONE TRAVEL MISTAKE I ALWAYS MAKE IS I always forget to do my DVT exercises. I usually arrive at my destination with cankles the size of boabs.

THE ONE THING I REALLY DO GET RIGHT WHEN I TRAVEL IS getting a spare seat next to me. There's a trick to this, and I swear to God it works every time (so long as there are at least a few seats left empty on the plane). As much as I'd love to tell you the trick, I'd have to kill you. Then I'd go to jail and wouldn't get to travel any more. I'm due in Scotland in a few months, so I'd best not.

IF I HAD TO SIT IN THE MIDDLE SEAT THE OTHER PASSENGERS I'D WANT ON EITHER SIDE OF ME WOULD BE [singer] Frank Sinatra in the aisle seat, because he's dead and so it'd just be a little urn, which would then leave heaps of room to put my stuff on the seat. In the window seat it would have to be the Dalai Lama. He could help me become enlightened on the Dubai-Edinburgh leg. Then I could pretend to order beers for both of us and drink them all myself. And I'd ask him if I could swap seats and he'd say yes, 'cos he's such a nice dude, and then I'd have the window seat.

THE ONE FAMOUS TRAVELLER I REALLY ADMIRE IS … I think if anyone is famous for travelling, we're all going to hell.

THE ONE FAMOUS PERSON I'D LIKE TO TRAVEL WITH IS [American actor, comedian and beatboxer] Michael Winslow, 'cos he could freak everybody out with his endless sound-effects. That'd be a cool thing to have up your sleeve in, say … Marrakesh.

AIRLINE FOOD IS one of God's best jokes. That and [Canadian rock band] Nickelback.

AIRPORT SECURITY IS actually heaps more reasonable than it was in 2002. I was going to Thailand and the pilot of my flight was searched at security and had his nail-clippers confiscated. I often wonder what they thought he had planned. I had visions of the dude bursting out of the cockpit yelling, "I'll do it!! I'll bloody do it!!! I'll clip all of my nails RIGHT DOWN TO THE QUICK!!".

HOTELS ARE expensive. Go Airbnb.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO Brazil. Coffee, nuts … That's it. Coffee and nuts.

I'VE NEVER WANTED TO GO TO Hell. Seems a little shouty and hot.

AISLE OR WINDOW? Window's good, 'cos you don't get climbed over when you're sleeping. Although it always freaks me out when they insist on the window-shade being open for take-off and landing. I think I know why and I don't love it one bit.

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