10 things we’ll never understand about England

Sun worship

It’s hard for Australians from a sunburnt country to understand the fervour that greets the appearance of a weak sun over England. The temperature need barely rise over 16 degrees for people to be out barbecuing, lying on stony beaches or park grass with their shirts off, or crowding outside pubs in shorts and singlets. What’s more, the English will remain in the sun until they turn the colour of an angry lobster. Ouch.

Confusing England with the United Kingdom

England isn’t Great Britain (which includes Scotland and Wales), nor the United Kingdom (which also includes Northern Ireland). England isn’t a sovereign nation, although it has its own education system, laws and international sports teams. It goes without its own parliament or assembly, unlike Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Confused? Maybe, but you’d think the English would get it right, instead of blithely using the terms England or English when it should be Britain or British. Or is that United Kingdom-ish?

Weather talk

Weather is the world’s most boring topic of conversation, especially when often describing the weather you’re actually experiencing. Oscar Wilde (who was Irish) said conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative. But the English talk about it non-stop; according to the BBC, 38 per cent of them within the last hour. Is it because of famously unpredictable weather, or social inhibition? Who knows, but hone up on your expressions for describing rainfall.

Making do

The United Kingdom has the world’s sixth-largest economy, but nobody has told its inhabitants, who live as if Second World War rationing and frugality remain a necessity. The English are particularly expert at making do, or even going without. For visitors, that means lukewarm bedrooms, frigid bathrooms, small meals, dry biscuits and desserts in which jam or custard is a sign of extravagance. Don’t mention this, however, or you’ll be told you mustn’t grumble – and that it might be worse.

Obsession with the royals

Local newspapers and magazines are filled with stories about the royal family, most of which are rumour, speculation and opinion. The rest is trivia about what this prince ate for lunch, that princess wore to church and what happened to the corgis. Hard to fathom this fascination for a bland, talentless, overly privileged, absurdly anachronistic family. And yet while faith in the EU, government, politicians and institutions such as the police dwindles, English enthusiasm for the royals continues undimmed.

Feeling sorry

You won’t be long in England before someone is apologising, perhaps for bumping into you – or even for you bumping into them – disagreeing with you, sneezing or simply dropping their own book. According to studies, the average English person says sorry eight times a day, more than any other nationality except the Japanese. Beware though: psychologists say this doesn’t mean the English feel any more remorse or that their sorrow is sincere.

Carpet in bathrooms

Apparently, the perplexing fashion that saw the English carpet their bathrooms or scatter them with rugs for that extra midnight trip hazard, peaked in the 1980s. But the habit has by no means died out, as you’ll discover if you stay with friends, or in a B&B or old-fashioned hotel. No doubt this is one solution to poor central heating and too many draughts but certainly not the most hygienic one. Just no.

The writer has travelled to England courtesy of several regional tourism offices and cruise companies.