How to cope with Dubai’s massive shopping malls

If you’re planning to hit some of the world’s biggest retail spaces, your thoughts shouldn’t turn to excited anticipation but rather careful planning, like someone about to scale Everest, or navigate a vast labyrinth without the benefit of Ariadne’s thread.

Mall of the Emirates gets 40 million visitors a year – the same as the whole of Thailand. Dubai Mall extends over half a million square metres, the size of Vatican City, and is about to expand further.

Dubai Mall also has 14,000 parking spaces across three locations and multiple levels. Hint: get a taxi or you’ll be exhausted before you begin. Wear comfortable shoes, and consider any mall visit like a serious hike.

Bring a jumper because malls can be frigid. Get a map. Consult the kindly staff at the service desks who’ll give you instructions that you’ll forget as you hesitate at escalators, wondering whether you are supposed to go up or down.

Does it matter if you get lost? Surrender yourself to the maze, and be amazed. Yes, that really is a ski slope, underwater zoo, or rainforest in a cafe. A gold-plated Lamborghini. A $20 million diamond ring.

You needn’t worry about offending anyone with orientalist stereotypes. Dubai’s malls are unabashed recreations of Ali Baba’s treasure cave or a sultan’s palace, and use every pastiche of the harem and bazaar.

Nobody would bat an eyelid if you dressed up as Sinbad the Sailor. Some staff are already costumed as turbaned bodyguards, belly dancers and camels.

Never mind the shopping and eating, though. It will overwhelm you. Take time for cultural insight. Sit at a cafe table amid veiled Saudis in black and Emiratis in white robes so flawless they ought to be in washing-powder commercials.