To do Vienna like a local you’ll need a split personality

You might think trying to be like the Viennese would be a bit of a downer. Will you have to swot up on your Freudian theory, Secessionist art or Wagner operas? Should you hone your dutiful Hapsburg dullness, black humour and existential angst?

Never fear. The Viennese have given up on psychotherapy and replaced it with visits to coffeehouses and wine taverns. Vienna is grand and ornate and rather formal – dressing up for the evening is a must – yet remarkably intimate and relaxed too.

Cultivate your split personality. Behind the brooding Germanic heart and interest in high art, the Viennese have a liking for frivolity and froth. Decorum and seriousness combine with hedonism and a taste for kitsch. Even the sedate Ministry of Finance occupies a building of insane baroque decoration.

The loss of their grand empire leaves the Viennese melancholy, but they wear their history like a comfortable old coat. Try not to look too impressed by the grand imperial city centre: think of it as a familiar theatrical background.

To be Viennese, picture yourself as a retiree in somewhat straightened circumstances, tottering around your ornate mansion with the ghosts of the past, yet still determined to enjoy yourself.

Ride the tram, sit in a tulip-bright park, listen to Mozart, and learn how to waltz. Pretend you’re a merry widow, or the Third Man. Mope in a cemetery. Be punctual, and never cross the road on a red light.

Use frequent polite greetings and departures, but cultivate a sharp tongue. Australians will appreciate the Viennese banter that takes people down a peg or two.

Don’t imagine museums are only for arty people in sensible shoes. The Viennese enjoy themselves while getting a cultural education. Museums and galleries often have excellent cafes or restaurants where you can indulge between art movements.

Nowhere will you feel more Viennese than in a coffeehouse. Eat schnitzel and plum dumplings. Have a coffee that looks like a sundae and a pastry fit for Liberace. To be Viennese, no tooth is too sweet.

Get your hit of sugar and cream as you read a serious newspaper, play chess or plot a revolution, however. And don’t forget to complain about the present as you talk up the past, and you’ll fit right in.