10 things we’ll never understand about Canada
Canadians rank among the world’s most agreeable people, but some of their eccentricities, habits and likes might leave outsiders scratching their heads.
Niceness
Canadians are the world’s nicest people, at least if we subscribe to stereotypes.Credit: Getty Images
Unflaggingly polite, seldom argumentative, apologetic and kind – Canadians are the world’s nicest people, at least if we subscribe to stereotypes. It’s said they’re conditioned to think of the collective good over the individual. The mystery is how Canadians stay so nice when, right next door, the neighbours have a reputation for being gun-toting, angry, deeply divided, and unwilling to compromise. Come on Canadians, spread some of your stardust a little further south. Or is niceness not contagious?
Ice hockey
Niceness is abandoned during a game of ice hockey, one of the world’s greatest live-sport thrills.Credit: Getty
Niceness is abandoned on the ice, on which Canadian hockey players happily push, shove and occasionally brawl. As an outsider, you’ll find the puck so small and the action so fast that ice hockey is hard to follow; only the frenzied cheering of the crowd tells you a goal has been scored. And yet despite that – and our having no idea of the rules – ice hockey provides one of the world’s greatest live-sport thrills.
Poutine
Poutine: a delicious hot mess.Credit: Alamy
Not the Russian president, but French fries covered in cheese curds and smothered in gravy made from both beef and chicken stock. Poutine looks like a clotted brown mess, the chips go soggy, and the whole thing clogs your arteries. Yet this ultimate French-Canadian comfort food has spread across the land and even overseas. Notable chefs feature lobster or foie-gras poutine on their menus. Contemporary gourmet versions have “hand-smashed” potatoes topped with smoked salmon or braised beef. Just no.
Michael Bublé
Michael Bublé: The McDonald’s of music.Credit: Rick Clifford
What’s with the British Columbian who – although he admittedly has good looks, a twinkle in his eye and a sense of self-deprecating humour – has no great singing voice and covers old songs by other people? Somehow, he’s sold more than 70 million albums, and Australians love him. I reckon he’s the McDonald’s of music, who turns anything into bland niceness. Compare his “Feeling Good” to Nina Simone’s if you want to know what raw soul really sounds like.
Milk in bags
Canada’s “Homo milk” will never catch on.Credit: Alamy
Half the milk consumed in Canada comes from plastic bags. They’re the equivalent of our goon bag, although what the Canadians call pillow pouches don’t come protected by a cardboard box. Milk bags are unwieldy to carry, difficult to open exactly right (snip off too big a corner and spills will ensue) and hard to reseal. Oh, and worse, the term “homogenised” is invariably abbreviated on Canadian labels. Bag of homo milk, anyone?
Roadside attractions
Canadian big things are the world’s dullest objects. Exhibit A: The Giant Nickel Monument in Sudbury, Ontario,Credit: iStock
Think Australia has a liking for big things? Get driving in Canada. While you could claim there’s something interestingly odd-looking about prawns and pineapples, Canadian big things are the world’s dullest objects: an apple, egg, curling stone, giant Coke can and bottle of ketchup. Others are predictable: a (native) Indian head in Indian Head, for example. As for the more interesting things, they seem pointless. Why have a giant moose when a far more exciting actual moose might lurch along the roadside?
Tim Hortons
“Timbits” are a national obsession, but isn’t an actual doughnut better?Credit: Alamy
Yep, if you’re driving across the featureless prairies and need a cheap caffeine fix, this ubiquitous Canadian coffee chain will do. But why Canadians love it so much is baffling. Aussies aren’t going to be impressed by the coffee. Or the vibe, which is more fast-food chain than coffee shop. And what’s with Timbits, the bits of dough punched out of doughnuts to give them a hole? They’re a national obsession, but isn’t the actual doughnut better?
Christmas kitsch
Christmas in Canada is like being imprisoned in a snow dome.Credit: Alamy
Nowhere is Christmas as OTT as in Canada. Forests of trees shimmer in malls, baubles festoon public buildings, hotels look as if they’ve been made over by the sugar-plum fairy. The smell of fir boughs and endless jingle of carols gives you a headache. It feels as if you’re imprisoned in a snow dome. How do Canadians get through weeks of this cuteness? And how is it that you’ll always give in, and start wearing reindeer antlers yourself?
Adventurous carnivores
Avoid prairie oysters, at all costs.Credit: Alamy
You wouldn’t think that the supermarket would be the place to find anything other than beef, pork and chicken, but you’re in for a surprise in Canada when you peer into chilled cabinets to find a menagerie of meats such as horse, venison, camel, rabbit, ostrich and kangaroo. For a more Canadian flavour, try bison and elk. In restaurants, be sure to avoid prairie oysters – actually bull’s testicles – served deep fried with a rich gravy.
Dangerous animals
Every forest in Canada is haunted by bears.Credit: Alamy
Why do Canadians ever go outside? They have to contend with wolves, caribou, cougars and bad-tempered and territorial Canada geese – Google “Canada goose attack” and enjoy the mayhem. Then there are 300-kilogram moose with antlers like battle-axes and a tendency towards unpredictability in the rutting season. Plus every forest is haunted by bears. “Stay in your vehicle if bears are encountered”, say signs. No kidding.
Brian Johnston has travelled to Canada courtesy of several tourism offices and tour companies, and at his own expense.
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